The Moment of Inception
I was twelve, I remember it vividly, I had spilled apple juice on my literature book and the corners of the book were soaked. This had happened in my back pack, a lunch bag explosion that occurred frequently because of the amount of books we had to lug around throughout the day. We couldn't afford a lunch box so my lunches were placed in paper bags, like most of my classmates. But, I chose to stuff mine in the top of my back pack rather than carry it around. Mostly because it generally ripped open at some point, before lunch, spilling the contents all over the floor. The situation made more embarrassing because I was an outsider, a target, and no one would help me pick it up. Instead, they would deliberately stomp on the food or kick my sandwich down the hallway. That day's lunch had a chocolate pudding cup and Mandarin oranges, my favorite, so I was being over protective. Unfortunately this vigilance led to another altercation with my literature teacher.
He did not like me. I was shy and the brunt of most of the jokes that circulated the classroom, which he chose to either laugh at or ignore completely. This in turn, led to more bullying. This day was no exception. When he saw the yellow, juice coated corners of the book he tore it out of my hand and proceeded to demoralize me. "How irresponsible of you. These are brand new books and you ruined it. You are an embarrassment to 7th grade. No wonder every one makes fun of you." Laughter ensued. He told me I had to stay after school and borrow a book and that I no longer had privileges of having my own. A scolding that should have been private at least, became a spectacle of sorts. The teacher across the hall had to come over and investigate the uproar. She was my math teacher, she was always nice to me.
When she entered, the laughter stopped causing even my literature teacher to pause in place. She was a gentle person. never raised her voice, always smiled, but she also had a teacher glare that would cause anyone to second guess their actions. "What's going on in here?" she asked mindfully, a calm in her voice. He walked over to her, showed her the book and began to chuckle and explain how irresponsible I was. She cut him off. "I believe it is you who is being irresponsible, she is twelve and this was an accident and you are an adult and this behavior is deliberate." He thought about responding, but she stood her ground with eye contact, silence, authority. He walked over and handed me back my book. "Let it dry out before you put it back in your back pack. I will make sure you pay for the damages too." As he was walking back to his desk, she turned to me and smiled, winked and gave me a subtle, I got your back smirk. That moment changed my life.
Second Guessing in the Face of Adversity
The teacher gene was turned on that day. With the idealism of a young teacher, I was hyper focused on my students, not on being a team player. I really never had any problems other than my colleagues not appreciating my radical approach. I followed the rules, I even taught with alignment, but then I would find time to venture off and get a little organic, primal. I knew from the moment my literature teacher was shut down by my math teacher, that my focus was always, no matter the consequences, going to be about creating a safe haven for learning and to build relationships with my students. This is a stronghold I have never waned on. Not even slightly. But, it does tend to ruffle feathers. So again I am the brunt of the negative discourse. A situation I am well-adjusted to but would prefer to stay clear of.
Recently I have been called an elitist, an outsider and even the cause of team dynamics not being at optimal. I shut down. I let the voices of judgment linger a little too long and it took me back to that classroom where I was misunderstood and ridiculed for being different. I used to loathe myself because I was Dyslexic and self-confident and ruthlessly determined. When you grow up in the schools I grew up in, witnessing the dark side of education, you become very self aware and you create a persona that you use when you come up against any kind of resistance or incursion. It has taken a lot of reflection and soul searching to get to the bottom of my fear and disillusionment. I have come to see the attributes that I ignore sometimes in self-preservation. Arrogance is one of these and it is something I fail to address sometimes and thus neglect to grow past. It is one thing to be self-confident another to be perceived as elitist and arrogant.
Arrogance can be overt or slight but it is never appreciated. I can come off very arrogant because I hold steadfast to my illusions of mindful relationships and the security of my students. If I up the rigor or push the bar it is only because I know what is best for my students. I do not claim to be the smartest person in the room, I am so not, nor do I claim to know more or be better, I just pronounce that I know what I am doing. What is best for some students may not be the best for others, this I know to be undeniably true. However, for my students, I know. Compromising this for any reason is not on the table. This puts me in the cross-hairs. An uncomfortable place to be. Often, I am seen as the problem because I try to will others to my cause. This is wrong. What I need to do instead, be the best I can be and hope I inspire others. I stay quiet in the face of angry voices and this appears as compliance. What I need to do is to find the bravery, the courage to be like my math teacher from so many years ago, eye contact, silence, authority.
Complaining is Mere Fodder, Action is Momentum
As I reflect in my journal every night, I have been doing more complaining then coming up with solutions. I have been reminded that taking the offensive does not solve problems, often it exacerbates them. It is being made clear to me that when I remain steadfast in my position, I often lose sight of the visions of those around me. I need to open my mind to their point of view and support them as they often neglect to do for me. There is never an excuse to be unprofessional or rude. I have been in the direct line of these emotions and it does not feel good. Rather than defend I internalize and this agitates the situation. I am emotional and scarred from situations that may have spawned my love of education but have also stunted my collaborative skills.
But, by responding with kindness and mindfulness rather than frustration, maybe I can redirect the trajectory of the negativity that often finds its way in my direction. If I hold my convictions near to my heart but also welcome in the ideas of my teammates then we can hopefully find common ground. Words are thoughts and goals we seek to endeavor upon. Action is clarification, unravelment, solution. With momentum and intent any situation can be turned around. Letting go of the past is a beginning but an acceptance of the present is a huge leap forward. Do not try to be someone else, everyone else is taken. Do not try to be someone you are not, you are forged in steel and varnished with spirit and authenticity. But, with the stature has to come humility and grace and when faced with adversity we often lose sight of that. I felt I had to defend and thus arrogance immerged.
With intent moving forward I will be a voice of reason, albeit a whispered one. I will silence my apprehension and trepidation and welcome challenges and sideways glances. I will not allow the judgment of others to weaken my footing or my outlook. I will be open-minded, forgiving, and supportive. These are skills my math teacher taught me oh so long ago, at the age of which my students are now. Empathy should never be neglected or even lessened because those around you lack it. In fact it should be heightened and illuminated because the smallest of smiles, winks and subtle glances of acknowledgement can literally change a life.
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