I have been judged, ridiculed, even chastised. I have been corrected, "put in my place," even been told off. I listen and rarely fire back, I always think of comebacks or responses long after the person has left. They feel smug, entitled. I feel broken. I do not have thick skin, although I wish I had. As a professional one rightfully expects to be treated as one. When you are not it chips away at your spirit. It hardens you. The joy wheezes out leaving you deflated. Feeling disenfranchised and forgotten. I give it my all every day, never compromising or taking the easy way out. I wake up and decide intentions, which I speak aloud, reinforcing their power, their allure. I repeat them like a mantra.
It is all about perspective. I accept the backlash from being a rogue traveler. I listen to criticism and try to improve myself. I reflect a lot. I take responsibility for my short-comings, of which I have many. I am the only one to blame when things do not turn out as planned. I may have forgotten a step, spoken out of turn, believed in myself a little too much. I revel in improvement. What I do not frolic in, is those who assume to know my intentions or my values and whom pass judgment. I do not take it lightly when words are spoken that are not intended for the purpose of my betterment but the reduction of my spirit. To keep me in line. I may have whispers of discontent and even boisterous hollers of protest when it comes to my classroom and my students. But, I never claim to be better than someone else. Smarter than someone else. Even more thoughtful or graceful than those amazing educators around me. I am merely me.
Today my idea of myself was fractured, like a slow crack in the glass, it is crumbling and shattering spreading across the surface. When this happens it makes it difficult to focus, to clearly see any vision. Now, hindered and blocked even the smallest of tasks seems unsolvable. My purpose, my students. My goal, my students. My reason, my strength, my joy, my students. This is undeniable. I know this in my heart. I have let doubt and negativity in. I am truly upset with myself. I usually cry and vent alone. Share my frustration with my closest friend. Then I shake it off, like a wet dog climbing out of a trickling brook. Both heavy and refreshed from the bath. This time though, I am still drenched. I choose right now to lie in the sun and dry in its light and warmth. That is the only way I can enter the doors and take solace in my classroom tomorrow.
A word spoken today during my book chat, was empathy. This is an easy sentiment but a challenging disposition. When we put ourselves first, which we need to in many circumstances, we lose sight of empathy. But, I am going to focus on that tomorrow. My intention for Thursday. It ties in to mindfulness and I often focus so much on being joyful and kind that I too forget to embrace empathy. Character is all about what we choose to do every day. I feel bruised and marred. But, from this moment on I will use this to not to feel sorry for myself, or to even try to make sense of someone else's notions, but to feel emblazoned to prove those that have made judgments wrong. You only feel disenfranchised and undervalued if you let someone else make you feel that way. I choose not to.
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