Dread, Drudge, Dead End (139)

The purest word to describe the undercurrent- dread. We are going about the day to day routines and rituals of life- yet, paralleling alongside our actions is a sinking feeling. A sense of discomfort, even when our physical being is content, our emotional and mental state seems, to be in an ever-ending feud with calm and collect.

Conflicting data, one-sided reporting, self-congratulatory speeches- they all seem to unsettle us even more. Too dark a tint, on the windows of media frenzy, is keeping us blind in some areas. All we see is ourselves, in the mirrored glass- we feel wobbly in the glare. I know I do. So, I read tons of articles and listen to tons of podcasts, trying to catch a glimpse of the big picture.

We are all feeling grief. A loss of our former routines. A loss of our mobility and choice. A loss of those we may have lost to the virus. Grief is not comparative. Grief is individual and personal. Some of us may be impacted more by Covid-19 than others, but grief, knows not of the depths of tragedy. It simply knows it needs to manifest, if beckoned.

Our grief is drudging up unresolved issues. Painful experiences. Fears and doubts. For grief is also not selective. When we are holding its hand, like a magnet, it attracts all of our uncertainties and anxieties. So, we feel overloaded and heavy. The drudge pulls us down, even more into the quagmire of change.

This is not a dead end. More like a cul-de-sac- we will not be trapped in a pothole. We will make a U-turn and exit the loop. But we have to make sure we don't travel down a one-way street. We have to find the highways and boulevards, that branch out from the main thoroughfare and reach new destinations.

Change is here. Yet we are in a transitory state. In progress. We do not know the outcome as of yet. We are in the event, so we are still searching desperately for our escape route. We are slowly reopening, reconnecting, resurfacing. With hesitation. But the fluctuations of decisions are starting to have some cohesion. Now we wait.

Dread still underlies our footing, drudging up memories and vulnerabilities. We felt like we were at a crossroads, one way - dead end, another- unpaved, un-chartered, and most importantly untraveled. 

We chose the latter. This road is still gravel and dirt. Knobby, gnarled and lumpy. But we must traverse it, to find a smooth one. Buckle up, its going to be a bumpy ride.