Anxiety and Mental Health- Is it All in My Head? (178)

The most important thing about stress, anxiety and depression is to recognize it, talk about it and know it is a process. It is never gone, it always lurks, but it is also treatable. Keep the conversation going and ask for help. Talk to others.



Tap Tap, Are You There?

A slow trickle, I feel the monster lurking. My hands shake a little, my vision gets a bit blurry. My face feels on fire, rosacea is full blown as of late. Acid reflux, muscles ache. The normal reminders I am over 50, usually peek in and out- lately they are taking up residence, all at the same time. 

My body somehow feels, disembodied. I feel homeless.

Every tiny inconsistency, every ping of discomfort is louder. Lack of sleep amplifies. More virus cases, closer to home, magnifies. Uncertain guidelines, to mask or not to mask, fall school opening but how? What to do and when to do it? Everything seems so unattainable.

A giant loop feeding my brain a repetition of doom, hope, failure, faith. Seeking clarity but in return, getting more skepticism and ambiguity. The monster is no longer lurking, now it is creating havoc, disruption, disquiet, and distrust. A level of doubt that is dismantling my sense of focus and calm. The monster is leaving footprints.

No one experiences anxiety in the same way. Some want to be around others, surrounded by noise and the sounds of living. Others need to be in a dark, silent place where they can tackle the monster and look it in the eyes. Anxiety is tricky, the monster is stealthy- together, with uncertainty and vagueness those of us with anxiety, are struggling.

Yawn and Stretch, Awakening

I leave my house, rarely, I refrain from news watching. I read, write, watch some mindful, happy television. I meditate. I eat healthy, exercise a bit. Nothing eases the heaviness. Some day’s I wake up, flushed face, red splotches a reminder of my stress. Some days I wake up, a pit in my stomach as if the positivity is being sucked out of me. 

Most days I open my eyes and feel positive, instantly optimistic, and happy.

Then I look at Apple News on my phone and it deflates, I once a hopeful balloon, now stretched and flat. Now, I go through spells of depression too. What? All those other symptoms are not depression? I guess they are linked to it- but I can ascertain the characteristics of my anxiety versus my traits of depression. They are two different creatures. Yet sometimes, they gang up on me together.

I cope with all of this- with a Dyslexic brain. With an 'on the spectrum', frame of mind. Not with any medication. I mediate and talk to myself, write a lot, reflect a lot, and look for factors that lead to my anxiety or depression. I tend to bounce back quickly. Mostly because I am constantly aware of my emotions and ailments. 

I feel the rumble before the quake. But, since March- there are a lot more tremors. There is so much to worry about it is crazy. But I have many strategies I use to get back onto the track, after derailment. This week, for many reasons, I have had to utilize just about all of them. It has been a heavy week.

Click, the Light Removes the Shadow

The most important strategy one can use when they see the monster’s footprints, when they feel the seism-is to brace for the shake and accept the aftershock. We are all struggling emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically right now. They are all intertwined. The best way to untangle all of these feelings and physical maladies is to talk about them. Own them.

I talk to my husband. I talk to myself. I identify the little bugs and aches as part of this process. I regularly check in with myself. I keep a journal. I write blog posts. I listen to my body, try to counter-act the symptoms with positive affirmations and mindful mantra’s. But results can take a while. I just keep moving forward. Looking for ways to stay busy and productive.

I know my story is not unique. Everyone is feeling different levels of anxiety, frustration, anger, doubt and yes rage. I feel in my heart though, that I need to keep posting about it, maybe then I can inspire those who do not want to feel these feelings- to allow themselves to feel them. 

It is a healthy process, to recognize and unravel our stress, in order to stay mentally and physically healthy.

Wake Up, Look Up, Believe

To everyone reading this. Thank you for listening. I hope when the thump, thump of the monster is creeping up behind you, that you turn to greet it. Say hello and ask it to be your friend, not your enemy. Feelings are a part of our system, they are integral to who we are. Sometimes they are happy, other times they are disruptive and scary. But either way we need to lean into them and take control of them.

I hope that you have more good days than weary ones. That you find solace in your interests and hobbies. That family and friends surround you. That you recognize your strengths and use them to find your center. 

I hope you use them to create your focal point because all of us are going to need one moving forward. Times are changing but they are also bringing with them- a rattling of self, a loud boisterous crack of doubt, and a deep seeded feeling of isolation.

I hope you find your calm. Your wave of energy to push you through these uncertain times. Stay healthy my friends and thank you for your positivity and inspiring personalities. You make a difference.

Anxiety and mental health- Is it all in my head? No. It manifests in physical ways, social ways, spiritual ways. It is a constant vibration. We must listen to its hum. For when it overpowers our daily noise- it needs attention. Listen to your emotions, they tell the truth, every one of them is valid. Every one of them has a purpose. They are just waiting for our attention.