Everything Will feel Like it's Falling Apart
When the ground, disintegrates under your feet, it takes a second or two to realize it. There is a calm before the plummet. Every plunge is unique: mental or spiritual, yet they both are the result of wisdom. Sometimes they lead to huge life changes, others simple shifts in outlook. But, every now and then, we need to tumble so we can climb.
I found myself in a loop. An endless curve around, between responsibility and recognition. Tired in the morning, unfulfilled. Exhausted at night, fragmentary and formless. I felt astray. I needed inspiration. I needed to find words that spoke to me, voices that encouraged and galvanized me. I needed an escape.
Reset, Retry, Reformation
I read a lot. Almost as much as I write. I am more of a non-fiction reader, but if there is an immersive novel, that catches my eye, I will definitely immerse. But, I tend to read books about creating moments, mindfulness and inner peace.
I turned fifty, five months ago and - suddenly- I started to see things differently. Not more clearly, I didn't have an epiphany, that my life needed to drastically change. I didn't have a bombshell of sapience, telling me to move to a foreign country and reinvent myself.
What I did have was a flash of inspiration. A sparkly, energetic roar of gumption. Pure unadulterated sagacity. The realization that I have come far in my fifty years on this planet. I have overcome adversity. Pushed ahead when my disability laid obstacles in my path. Stepped out of my once firm comfort zone, attended a party and met my husband. I had five beautiful children, all healthy and relatively happy. I have lived a life. But it is just beginning.
I became an educator and after eighteen years, have transformed, transcended and tweaked my thought process. I have expanded my knowledge base and created new strategies, to become a confident and innovative teacher. I have made great strides, to overcome my doubts and fears, so deeply ingrained, by the bullies of my past. I have accepted my faults and have been working tirelessly, to wear down their edges so that they fit into the puzzle, that is me.
I have accepted my short-comings not as hindrances, but as gremlins, that yes can't be fed after dark. They are permanent fixtures and motivators of action and growth. They get feisty and hungry, so I let them snack, in the wee hours of the morning, so as to keep them satiated throughout the day. They are fierce, playful and destructive- thus sometimes the descent it a sharp one.
It Wont Be Easy, But it Will Come
What am I afraid of? Rejection? I have become accustomed to exclusion and repudiation- so why am I so afraid, to reach out and try to network? To ask people for help. This is something I have had to do a lot of soul searching, to try and answer- and to be honest- I am still not 100% sure.
Success seems so unlikely, so out of reach. I can feel the dirt, slowly sliding. I thought the plummet was supposed to be unexpected. But with this, time seems to be slowing down, so I can feel the rumble and see the erosion at work. I keep stepping backwards to avoid the plunge.
There are so many ways to fail. My gremlins remind me of this, incessantly. They snicker and roll their eyes. Their taunting is so prevalent, I actually forget sometimes that I have a guild of protectors and advocates too.
The mindful, positive, supportive thoughts that carry me through the turbulence. My fairy godmothers, they have whispy wings and a whimsical sense of self. The two sides battle it out pretty regularly- arrows fly over head and magical spells swirl in the air, as much as treaties are forged.
You can't fortify the ground. It is fickle. There are too many outside forces that lay siege to its borders. It is trampled on and dug into. It is marched across and left alone to lie fallow. We are mere travelers and when we arrive, we never know what state it will be in. We have to come prepared, yet we never truly know what to expect.
We must cross it though. Wear thick boots and carry a shovel.
Be Ready to Level Up
I am reading a great book Level Up Your Life by Steve Kamb. It is simply put, a book about creating adventures and quests to try new things at your own pace. To create your story. It does not have to be all at once- or huge. It can be incremental and rewarding.
You just need to commit and make a list, choose a guild, build a persona, build your avatar. Set forth on your journey. Do not try to be something you are not, just amplify your skill set and armory, so you can conquer the beasts of complacency and disenchantment.
So this set me out on my quest. But, being me, I needed more inspiration. More self-reflection.
More books- I am immersed in four at the moment. I need a lot of input. A quirk to some but to me- a blessing because some of my best insight and inspiration has come from the numerous books I am bathing myself in on a weekly basis.
The last input so I can level up, I need to write about it. When I write a blog it seems to put things in perspective for me. It takes the jumble of various outlooks and opinions and aligns it. The only way we can level up and earn the credits or points is to play the game.
Leveling up can take a long time, as a generalist. Or, if you are a specialist- it can be faster. But, either way, it is achieved through experience, endurance and a lot of energy. Now that I have exited the loop- I have more energy.
I see the playing field, clearly now. I have the console on, the controller in hand and entered the arena- on my terms. I am collecting artifacts, banking points and earning experience. Advancing to the next level up may take awhile.
But, if I am going to level up, I need specific goals, to perform certain tasks and to solve lots of puzzles.
I am geared up and ready to go. Module open.....let the game begin.
Will I see you there?
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