I Can’t Seem to Learn the Rules (3)

I Can’t Seem to Learn the Rules

Most of the time, I feel like the disruptive student, the one who ruffles feathers, spawns eye rolls. I was this student for most of my life. Not because I acted out, but because I struggled to learn. I grew up with Dyslexia. But I also grew up being bullied not just by other students but by teachers. It was a different time back then. When I became a teacher- I knew I could make a positive impact on my students. What I didn’t know is that like all cultures, communities- there are mean people. 

As a teacher we are not immune to this.

I been a teacher for 18 years. I have worked at three different schools, one Title IV, struggling, 90% free reduced lunch, the atmosphere was heavy. Teachers were exhausted, students felt the slow decaying culture and fed upon it. It was full of amazing students, some unhappy, some acting out, some fighting to fit in, some motivated, engaged, all in need of love and respect, yet often not getting it.

Bitter truth, it took me awhile to adjust to the heaviness, it was my first teaching position and I was trying to figure out myself and my students, my role and their role, all the while being isolated. But I did find my groove and I think I made a difference. Many of my students from these years have found me on Facebook and we still keep in touch. 

When I look back, I feel a deep respect of teachers who continue in struggling schools- they are heroes. Every child needs a caregiver, educator, mentor that can uplift them and lead them to find the self-respect and self-confidence we all deserve in life. But it takes time and their time is invested in doing this and I am in awe of them.

My second school was an affluent one, students were amazing, but the staff was toxic. Very clique based and the gossip mill was ramped. I stayed many years, again isolated. Bitter truth, I can’t seem to learn the rules. Not the professional ones. Those I have down pat. I am a rule follower, for the most part. But, the non-spoken rules.

The social norms of a school often not shared with newbies, until they have been ostracized. Thus, I bonded greatly with my students, most in fact on Facebook again and I love learning about their adult lives unfolding. But a slow burn started early, a small flame- burning me, leaving marks. I tried to ignore it, they got more persistent, added accelerant, it became a blaze. Yet, I remained another year, hoping to find my niche. But my niche singed and burnt, never spawned new life, no succession, only stagnation. Thus, a cross-country move.

My third school, again affluent has a positive school culture, for the most part. Every culture has a negative faction. But many, can forge ahead with the positivity of the masses. My school has this, a core of dedicated, mindful, engaged educators who every day enter the doors with a loud vocal yawp of optimism, a unified spirit, that today is the day, I make a difference.

Smiles and laughter swirl down the colorful halls, students are energetic, there is a contagious enthusiasm. This is not to say that every day, everyone is happy or excited. Quite the contrary. It is a place of highs and lows, advancements and setbacks- but ultimately it is a community of collaboration, so the highs and advancements outweigh the lows and setbacks. This is all we can hope for. An awareness, a sense of community, a continual mindset for growth.

The Words of a Few, The Impact of Actions

I have spoken to many of my former students and current ones and just asked them four questions. All within a school day, in your school, classroom, on the bus.

1-      What do you see?

2-      What do you hear?

3-      Where have you gone?

4-      How do you feel?

I took all of their responses, often overlapping and compiled a story based on their point of view, their mindset, their hidden feelings. Most of these words are theirs, just reorganized, with a little of me thrown in, so we can truly see what they: hear, see, feel and the lengths they go to be acknowledged.

“I Can’t Seem to Learn the Rules.” Sound familiar? As educators we often feel one step behind the pack. We can feel isolated, misunderstood and frustrated that we have to conform to what others think education is. This phrase was spoken by almost every one of the students I interviewed. Then, just as you think you have learned a few, “they go up and change them.” Right, very poignant and yet ironic. They feel the way most of us as educators do.

The following section is a combination of various phrases and descriptions they used to describe themselves in the realm of school and classroom life.

The Culmination of Behavior

I know I’m never going to change. The class is disrupted as soon as I arrive. I do not have shame. I have an aversion to discipline because it is arbitrary. I get blamed for everything. My friend is chewing gum, so is the popular kid, but only I have to spit it out. They are laughing, joking around and I am told to be quiet. It puts me in to a rage, it has to escape, and I act out. Every time. I know I am never going to change. But my teacher is never going to change either.

My brain, my thoughts, they’re on the edge of town, near the tracks, the ghetto, barrio, slums. No one ever wants to visit me. They are afraid of me. Give up on me. I am an outcast and for this, I have a confession- I want to bring my isolation to them, to the only venue I am allowed in, for any length of time. The quiet is dangerous, it let’s me think about what I don’t understand, what I don’t care about, what no one hears me trying to say. I can never leave the past behind, it drags behind me, scraping the ground- a constant reminder I don’t fit in.

You think I have had my lifetime to destroy this behavior, but its such a deep part of me I can’t stop now. I have no need to. Is anyone listening? You open your eyes and dream. I open mine and see chaos. I use it to destroy, to crumble and topple, so your day is like mine: a ghetto, barrio, slum. If you slow the train, look me in the eye with love not anger, welcome my opinion (as far off as it may be) not with a snicker but with a genuine admiration, maybe the devil in me would see it as a gesture and he would leave me for a bit. Let my curiosity lead me for a while. Can you do that?

Can you recognize my mind as not a scary place, but one just different than your own? Can you speak to me not with contention and resolute, but with understanding and respect? It’s not just words that leave scars, eyes say so much. Body language is louder, it is visual and often what we see hurts more than what we hear. It gets more permanent somehow in our psyche. So, stand tall, bury deep any animosity and hug me with your glance- this is the only way my shoulders can drop, my heartbeat will slow, and my mind will become focused. Isn’t that what you want?

Settle Down it Will all be Clear

Home by Phillip Phillips is a song that will resonate with you as an educator. I think this beautiful, poetic piece of music is the ultimate song, for every educator. Give it listen, like right now. It will make an impact. You should play it in the morning before you open your door. Play it during lunch, planning, after-school, all of the above. Let it be your empowerment, your battle cry.

So when your feathers are ruffled, you feel the need to sigh loudly, roll your eyes, send a student into the hall- these words remind you to- Settle down it will all be clear- momentarily you will find the mindfulness to continue and accept, forgive and smile.

We need to expect our students to misbehave, they are children after all. So, if we expect them to misbehave, we can be proactive- not with them- but with ourselves.

Home- Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm going to make this place your home