The wall. It appears when you least expect it. Brick by brick you tear it down but it slowly rebuilds, eventually in full height appearing before you. Often it is made of sand and with a little tap it swishes apart, blowing away in the wind. Like a mirage. A momentary halt. While others are sturdy, encumbering, impenetrable. I hit the sand walls frequently but with a little breathing and calm focus I can send the sand to the breeze. But, these substantial, rooted structures take a little more time to demolish. I have watched it creep in to existence these last few days, I have struggled with it. But alas it has become fortified and now- a wall blocking my path lies ahead. I am neither happy or sad just stuck. I need to regroup and settle into the barricade, that way I can identify an alternate route. I need a quiet moment or two or three to simply scan the impediment and find a crack. An opening I can use to dismantle it. I have 5 weeks left of school and this obstacle needs to come down now, immediately before it gets too high.
The bricks each one are formed from a conglomeration of insecurity, exhaustion, self-doubt, negativity from others but the mortar holding them together is a lack of focus. Forgetting to have a mindful mindset. So how do you break apart the mortar? Loosen the bricks so you can topple over the fortification. How can you focus yourself once you have become rooted behind the embankment? I am there. Partitioned from my clarity of thought. I can see it swirling, I grasp it momentarily but it slips away. I reach out but it is just to quick, fleeting. Deep breath. Noisiness just filters in, clogging my thoughts. I attempt to narrow the dispersion, create a point of convergence where my mind is free to assemble a life-line. But, I am distracted by everything. The world seems so far away. It is time to meditate. It is lunch now. Lights off, deep breathing, mindful thoughts will now begin. I found twenty minutes of solitude. I have recognized the root of this wall. The foundation of it. Expectations: larger then life that I place on myself but also try to seek in others. To grandiose and lofty to ever achieve entirely.
This is a stressful, chaotic time; the end of the school year, Nationals for Quiz Bowl, STAAR testing. Thin strings of uncertainty and doubt tugging me in different directions. Caught in them like a spider web. The more I struggle the more stuck and fastened I become. The only way to break free is to surrender. Succumb to the erratic, capricious nature of my surroundings. Embrace the unknown. I am a spontaneous person, flexible, open-minded but when entombed in murkiness of action and miasma of purpose I can't seem to find the low beams. Clear skies become foggy haziness, dense pea soup, slowing me down causing every decision to linger before follow through. This is why we have back up lessons. Some days, going outside to have a succession scavenger hunt is just too overwhelming so a student-led activity is better. I know my limitations I just don't always accept them. Melancholy slowly becomes easiness. I feel a bit more purposeful and calm. Mindful mindset reemerging. But just in case I think I will make a few sling-shots to peck at the wall, keep weakening its presence. Today, however, I will focus on today because that is the first step to breaking the enclosure to smithereens.
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