The Pretender (356)

We all feel like pretenders once in awhile. We enter the arena unprepared, surviving on less than three hours of sleep. Distracted, eyes foggy from lack of coffee. We focus on every moment rather than the big picture. Say this, walk over there, smile at her, smile at him. Just keep moving. We know the second we sit down - we will lose the tether. Our grip on the now, will abandon us. So we keep in motion. We walk and talk. We engage.

The static crackling, overtakes the hum we designed to nudge us to attention. The constant becomes sporadic and we shake it off at the bell. We down a cup of joe and continue our circulation. Slowly the shadow is replaced by fluorescence- the downward focus, of overhead illumination. The striking contrast like a bolt of energy. We are now aware of every note of the harmony- the semblance of voices, learning, interacting. We recognize where we are- we lean in.

Some days this is instant- the transition of parent to educator or personal to professional. We change gears as we cross the parking lot to our second residence. Other days, it takes a bit, so we hold on nervously to the tether. We feel awkward- we hear the sound of our own voice and it is unnerving. We seem to feel paralyzed in the motion of teaching. We always feel better once our voice settles in to the background noise.

Accept these days- for they are never going away. I guess what matters most is the follow through. The stalwart stance we take as we shift from location to location. This dedication is what realigns us. The world is chaotic right now, it is understandable that it might take us a second to engage in our role in it. When we learn to listen to our transitions, accept our slow to start days- the rest follows into place naturally, and students, they don't notice.

As long as we redirect ourselves- it is okay to pretend for a a bit in the morning. At the beginning of class when we scramble to make sure copies are done and desks are clean. We have this bridge we cross many times a day and thank goodness its sturdy. Because it has a lot of tread. Just cross it. Just look around once in awhile and notice the view. What is the view?

For you it could be New York City, London, Toronto, Sydney- any beautiful city with a bridge rising above a gorgeous body of water. For me its San Francisco. The bay sparkling from under the fog. The fog rolling in, like a wave of unexpected cover. This the morning haze we have to scuff off- and I am ready. The fog is inevitable, the bridge inevitable- it is the click click of tires on tread that is personal. So wake up, and drive into the mist, because on the other side of it- well that is spectacular.